Radom thoughts. . .

So this year is one of those years that I am not MAD to see end! I look back at 2009 with sadness, admiration and a sense of fulfillment. Sadness based on the fact that seeing the feelings that were inside me and the motions I went through would cause even the most unsympathetic person to be moved greatly. I believe in our lives, the Lord never tests us more than we can handle, but this year…. I felt like he had simply forgotten to turn off the “still testing Tatenda” button and he had it all the way up on the highest possible level. I felt a deep rooted feeling of loneliness that knew no bounds and was masked with the brightest smile, any angel could effortlessly provide. The admiration is based on that through everything, even the moments that were felt as though should be the last…there was a glimmer of hope that kept me functioning and allowed me to trudge through the dirt and onto the next. And last but not least the fulfillment, because now that I have cleansed myself of the self doubt the fear, and let go of the things that weighed heaviest on me, I realize I gave myself freedom. Freedom to believe in my potential.



It is crazy that in the centre of all the seriousness in our lives, an issue that everyone both loves and hates is that that deals with matters of the heart. I am no exception, as much as I do not care about much, when it comes to my feelings being hurt, I am not all smiles. I came to a realization though, and I may have already talked about this but like I said, I WAS THINKING: So many people have the “OR” factor and never the “AND”. By this I mean, so often people meet a certain aspect of what you feel you want but then lack in large part the other part. I’ll use my wants as an illustration. My “type” of guy is that dude, who is a dude. A man who is tough, not only looking but thinks tough. And I do not mean he is thinking of killing people, but rather possesses the complex rationale that has me intrigued and inspires me to elevate my thinking. The latter part of this year I have been living the life of a single young lady and half the guys that presented themselves either look as tough as I want them to, but lack that mental that is very important. I understand it is not a lacklessness in the guys that I meet, but that they are just not for me. In 2009 I realized that too often in my life I allow the not worthy aspects of my character and life get main attraction by dealing with the guys that do not elevate me but rather force me to stay stagnant or regress on the me that I was yesterday. Like Monica said, “I am not who I was yesterday” and therefore my pledge to myself, is that with each new breath that I take, I will do my hardest to make it as true to myself as I possibly can, and in so doing, be true to those that care about me. So here starts my countdown to 2010, to a better me…