WHAT...WHAT....WHAT....

So y'all should already know I blog when something is on my mind! And YESSS.....something is on my mind!!! K, so foreal tho...first T.I and now they tryin to put my Wayne in JAIL! man....I mean do we not have real problems? Excuse me Mr. Sherriff sir that arrested Lil Wayne on that bus incident in New York in 2007, have you found Osama Bin Laden???? No??? You haven??? Oh right, you were busy looking for "illegal substances" in Wayne's bus! k K K....I own the fact that YES, he shoulda ben not had a gun on the bus, but DID ANYONE die??? IM COOL! All my friends and Family are cool, Lil wayne aint shoot none of them! So WHATS THE PROBLEM! (And if he did it was probably cause they were in his way)
I am not angry and disgruntled as I was before because I realize that Weezy is going to channel all his emotions into his music and is going to leave us with a mixtape each month of his jail term. WHAT! y'all can't stop greatness.....

Im just saying!!!!

Man... What's going on?

I MEAN… what is going on! My heart is heavy and tired, and I aint even going through anything personally and yet I’m going through everything! It jus dawned on me as I sat watching the news that in the last several months I have found myself sending my condolences to countless people. And over the same time frame, condolences have been offered to me! WHAT IS THIS????? I am 22 years old and I do not remember a time other than now where the phrase “tomorrow is never promised” falls as true as it does now. One day people are here, the next day they are gone. One moment, you are on the phone with someone and the next your phone is ringing with news that they passed. One second you’re sharing a joke with someone and the next you are hugging their mom and trying to figure out the how, when and the why you just laid them to rest. I know I have blogged about this before but damn…. Death is real, and it’s become more and more apparent!!!!!

And what is this violence that overwhelms society. And I’m not even going to spin this and make this a racial issue cause, everyone is a victim. The story about Derrion Albert is the most recent. This boy was beaten senseless and died for what reason?! By his peers? Really? What makes it ok for someone to wake up angry and decide to take another’s life? There is nothing cool about that! There is nothing that shouts out HERO in that action. Why are people being shot left right and center? I MEAN DAMN… what’s going on. As though AIDS and diabetes needed help killing off the masses!

My heart aches at the fact that every good action is contended by several bad ones. Bad choices, Ignorant minds flood our very own society. And yet we the “sane” ones sit, read the stories, shake our heads, and click over to the entertainment pages to find out about the Odom-Kardashian wedding!!!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON??????

SMH…. My heart aches!

iTune You...

SO…. I realized I have been fooling you all…. BECAUSE…..


I am in love and his name is music. Music understands me, enables me, supports me, drives me, basically what I’m trying to say is my love for music is definitely that special type of love. This is one of those loves that if it were to be lost would require extensive therapy because I know my life will no longer be, the life I lead for it revolves around my music. Love or obsession, I wonder, for it is my centrifugal force, my pivot, my shelter, my armor, my muse, the creator of my swag. Music is everything I need, because it takes me as I am and does not care whether I sing like an angel or am as tone deaf as a rabbit. Music is my best friend, my confidant, my inspiration, and my unfailing love. Through all my many bipolar motions, my twists and turns that this journey through life takes me, the only earthly element that allows me to figure myself out, and gives me the strength to evaluate my inner self is… music. Music is rough, raw and real when I need it to be. This brings out the strength in me, the Tatenda that I am not afraid to show. But it also elevates me to a point where I feel as though I’m near divinity, and in the presence of holiness. Which leads to the softer and more creative side that cries and yearns to be understood . The side the rest of the world will probably never fully comprehend.


 Music for me fills in my blanks…the words I’m either unable or afraid to speak, I can always find a song to replace these lapses with. I have a friend that teases me and tells me all the time that I am a walking music library, because I think through music. I live through music. Each statement in my daily conversations triggers the thought of a song. My step is always in synch with the beat in my head. Be it when my head is bowed down and my walk is sluggish, or when I’m at my best and my walk is fully loaded… music walks with me. My most beloved memories have a soundtrack, my first kiss, the moment I realized I was in love, (actually both instances) all replay to the music in my heart.


Music is that source of light that allows my collage of life to shine and glow. It is my harmony in a world full of discord. The freedom giver in a time where we all seem to be held by some kind of social shackle. One of my favorite quotes is by Berthold Auerbach a German – Jewish poet, he says “Music washes away from the soul, the dust of everyday life.” Be it the dust from some type of failure, disappointment or any kind of adversity that leads to heartbreak. But it also is the sunshine, the kindness, the sincerity that leads to the fondest of memories.


So hear my declaration one more time, I am in love….and his name is …Music.

here's to you...

Silence overwhelms me…. And that probably explains my fear of death. To never speak another word, to never be heard again. As I grow older, death has become more and more a part of my life….and each time I feel it creep closer and closer to me. I feel like I am living on borrowed time. I love so fiercely and fervently that part of my fear when faced with the reality of death is the idea that I will leave a loved one in pain. Someone will feel the loss that I have felt much too often when someone I love is taken much too soon. The physical pain that rips at my heart is the most undeserving feeling I have yet known to feel. To fully explain would take too long because the words I could never accurately find.



As far back as I remember I have been haunted by this one dream. There I stand looking over my own lifeless body. The wind blowing leaves all over the place and nothing looks familiar to me. Confused, unaware, numbed by disbelief. I stare at my own face. Then somewhere in the distance, I hear my mom’s sweet voice singing. I frantically search for her, worried that some harm has come to her. I pass a clearing and there she is bent over my very own motionless body. My mom is knelt over me, tears streaming down her face and yet her voice is calm and unfaltering and betrays the overwhelming look of desolation painted on her face. She has obviously just lost her youngest offspring, her daughter, her friend, and still her strength refuses to fail her. My father stands over her, his head bowed down, and yet still from where I stand I can see the anguish in his eyes, utter pain. My mouth moves and my head yells that I am ok, but no audible words escape my quivering lips. I am perplexed by disbelief. I look to see if I can recognize some faces in the crowd that stands around my parents. It’s my family and friends and I can feel my own heart shatter as I see and hear them weep for me as my mom leads them in song.


If I was to fall off the side of a cliff, and I am hanging on, will there be someone there to help me up? What will people say about me when I pass? What will people remember about me? Will people miss my presence? And will my memories last through several decades or will I be forgotten within a week? Have I loved selflessly? Am I loved undoubtedly?


I do not want to leave this here earth with regrets. I want to live every day of my life as though it were my last. So lately, I have been appreciating my friendships a little more, and, I think I am starting to realize that although REAL and TRUE friends are rare, I have people that support me. I have figured out the people we work so hard to impress are the ones that really aren’t worth impressing. True friends stay when the tough gets going and those that we usually work so hard to impress go when the tough times roll in. However, I am learning to look at both sides of every story. And I must sell the same product that I want to buy; hence this is my pledge to be a better friend. I’m going to love more aggressively, listen more passionately, and be a positive light in all my loved ones lives. I am going to nurture each relationship in my life so if the Lord takes either me or one of them unexpectedly, I won’t cry for words and feelings that went unshared. But rather rejoice for the time that was shared and appreciated. As always, I leave you with a quote, and this one is from Maria Robinson, she said “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

My Ugly Truth. . .

RELATIONSHIPS!!!! Hate them…. Love them… they still exist right! I feel like somebody should hand us a handbook when we first decide to date that lets us know that once you embark on this journey, there’s no turning back! And on the front cover of each manual in big bold letters should be a warning sign that simply states “NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE FAINT HEARTED”, because frankly it isn’t! I consider myself a pretty strong woman. I am smart. I am wise. I know how to take care of myself. I, (if you ask me) am the ideal woman! Why then do I find myself in the same place as everyone, else, Confused. And non- believing.
I have a theory…. Allow me to explain it. I KNOW what I want in a man. I want a compassionate, charismatic, caring, man who is STRONG enough to stand BY me. Not behind me, not in front of me, but NEXT to me. Easy right! I know my Mr. Right! But what gives me the audacity to have such high expectations when I myself am a work in progress. I know for a fact, in my last relationship I had all these ideas and wonderful thoughts on how me and him would be. We were so amazing together and I know and still to this day I believe, there was real love resided there. However, I did not see the how to, I only focused on the WILL. I expected him to be the person that I wanted him to be in our “future” lives. I put undue pressure on him… He thought I didn’t believe in him, and need I say more… HE IS AN EX. I do not apologize nor do I feel bad for having these thoughts and expectations nor do I blame him for not being adequate, however, I do acknowledge that there are things we could have done better. Nurtured our love and allowed it a chance to make mistakes and still grow. I went into that relationship knowing what kind of person he was and where he was on his maturity and growth phase in life. I knew what his vices were… and still I dove right in. HEAD FIRST and heart all open. Hence it is my bad that I landed HEAD FIRST on a hard surface. I got hurt, broken and for a while I didn’t think I would stand up again.
I deter from my point, but I know many people have felt this way. Why do we fall in love, and get our hearts broken? Think about this for a second; If you shop at the dollar store, and you looking for a GUCCI purse chances are, u gonna leave with DUCCI. Almost GUCCI but the reality is, it’s just an imitation. That’s what we are all doing right now… shopping at the dollar store. Relationships, or rather, dating, have become so impersonal, especially with the introduction of terms like “casual dating” “open relationships” or “kicking it”. We look for surface deep gratification, don’t dig far enough within ourselves to figure out that that person is not gonna be our satisfaction. We live through our hopeless notions and ideas during the honeymoon phase, then when reality hits, we inevitably end up with our heads and hearts all over the hard surface.
I do not claim to be an expert on anything, especially matters of the heart. But if my words are my strength, allow me to empower you by saying true love is not some kind of substance in the air. You can not catch it, and actually I don’t believe it can be “figured out”. True love exists within ourselves. It is easier to find the perfect partner for you if you can identify who yourself are. Stop blaming all your heartache on other people because the common factor in all your failed relationships is you. Love you so other people can see the real reason why loving you is worth it. I leave you with a quote from an anonymous source, “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it.”
~LOVE.LIVE.LEARN~

My dear Love,
I know you love me, but why do you not like me? All my life you have been there, not necessarily with me at all times, but always somewhere humming and buzzing, so even though I may not have seen you, I knew you were there. As a child you cared for me, nurtured me and protected me from all the evils you could. But I do not blame you for the evils that seeped into my life.The evil took charge, you disappeared. I grasped for your love, and yet I was left alone….cold. The evils that haunt me stil caused me such pain and distress…. But my dear love, I do not blame you. I would have left me too.
My dear love, as I grew older you came to me in many forms. You loved me so! You helped me grow. Countless times I did not love you back, the times I took you for granted. Is that when you decided I wasn’t worthy of your trust. I know I hurt you but I wish I knew then what I know now. All I needed was your strong embrace around me at night. To protect me and guide me through all the things I was not prepared to face. I needed you and you were there, but I let you go. I reached out to you and you would reach out to me…. Until one day you did not reach back. My hand was left out in the cold, did you not love me back?
My dear love, how then can you blame me for not recognizing you when you came back to me. With no warning, you simply appeared. My knight on a silver cloud, my warmth on a cold dreary winter morning. The manifestation I had dreamt long and hard about, the ideology that one day I had hoped to meet. My whole life I had yearned for you. I had needed you so much before you would think I would have instantly acknowledged your presence, your genuineness, and your desire to be the one. But, your love overwhelmed me. Your sincerity consumed me. Why did you love Me? Why was it so easy for you to let me in, and why did you take the time to care for me. I was terrified but I embraced you. I loved you with everything I had in me. I let you in in channels of my mind, my soul, I thought were locked and sealed….. My dear love. I loved you.
But like when I was little, the outside percolated into our circle of trust. I thought you loved me enough to stick around… But you bolted. Again… my dear love you left me. Again I was left out in the cold. Again I was left wondering, why my dear love do you not like me? indeed ... Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.Each time you left me, a piece of me left with you. Each time you let me down, I lost a bit of me. But my dear love, I cannot wait around for you any longer. I cannot force you to love me when you clearly don’t like me in return. As a child you abandoned me, and now as a grown up you had me fooled and left me bleeding. I cannot let you slow me down anymore. My life is my very own rose garden, in the past I have let you in just as I began to blossom and because I was not strong enough I let you stifle my growth. I have learnt my lesson, and now I will not let you tear my petals off. Don’t look for me my dear love, I will call you when my rose garden is fully blossomed.

Why?

So unafraid to speak and yet so terrified to listen. The absence of my silence means I have an escape from the pressure of having to hear… and not be heard. Because with hearing comes acknowledgement and isn’t that the ammunition that later fuels the fire of disappointment. If only I was the solitary being that had the ability to speak in this whole entire universe, then only I could be heard, and I would be the reason for my own heartache. I would rather fall victim to my own voice, then only I would be to blame. However, since life has not dealt me such a lucky hand, I find myself in the midst of thousands of webs of deceit that have been woven around me. Wound so ardently that all the violence, starvation, pain and sorrow stems from one of these unruly webs. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. I cannot let the world dispense the dark cards of an ugly fate that so many have fallen prey to. I am learning to show humanity that I do not fear man, but God. I am my own individual, I am my only I that knows how to live MY life. With the world having no control over me, I have no expectations, no let downs and most importantly no grievances.
Why do I write you may be wondering? What is my purpose?
What frustrates me is not the inability to distance my own self from the rest of the world, but rather the fact that I am secure within myself and yet, no difference in the world have I been able to make. Why can I not wave a magic wand and heal those weakened by diseases, dry the eyes of a hungry orphan that has been left alone due to parents inability to protect themselves from HIV/AIDS. I have all of me still with me, no ailments and definitely no hunger. Why then can I not be an ear to a desperate voice, a cushion to a falling soul and an answer to questions that invade all mankind.