My Ugly Truth. . .

RELATIONSHIPS!!!! Hate them…. Love them… they still exist right! I feel like somebody should hand us a handbook when we first decide to date that lets us know that once you embark on this journey, there’s no turning back! And on the front cover of each manual in big bold letters should be a warning sign that simply states “NOT RECOMMENDED FOR THE FAINT HEARTED”, because frankly it isn’t! I consider myself a pretty strong woman. I am smart. I am wise. I know how to take care of myself. I, (if you ask me) am the ideal woman! Why then do I find myself in the same place as everyone, else, Confused. And non- believing.
I have a theory…. Allow me to explain it. I KNOW what I want in a man. I want a compassionate, charismatic, caring, man who is STRONG enough to stand BY me. Not behind me, not in front of me, but NEXT to me. Easy right! I know my Mr. Right! But what gives me the audacity to have such high expectations when I myself am a work in progress. I know for a fact, in my last relationship I had all these ideas and wonderful thoughts on how me and him would be. We were so amazing together and I know and still to this day I believe, there was real love resided there. However, I did not see the how to, I only focused on the WILL. I expected him to be the person that I wanted him to be in our “future” lives. I put undue pressure on him… He thought I didn’t believe in him, and need I say more… HE IS AN EX. I do not apologize nor do I feel bad for having these thoughts and expectations nor do I blame him for not being adequate, however, I do acknowledge that there are things we could have done better. Nurtured our love and allowed it a chance to make mistakes and still grow. I went into that relationship knowing what kind of person he was and where he was on his maturity and growth phase in life. I knew what his vices were… and still I dove right in. HEAD FIRST and heart all open. Hence it is my bad that I landed HEAD FIRST on a hard surface. I got hurt, broken and for a while I didn’t think I would stand up again.
I deter from my point, but I know many people have felt this way. Why do we fall in love, and get our hearts broken? Think about this for a second; If you shop at the dollar store, and you looking for a GUCCI purse chances are, u gonna leave with DUCCI. Almost GUCCI but the reality is, it’s just an imitation. That’s what we are all doing right now… shopping at the dollar store. Relationships, or rather, dating, have become so impersonal, especially with the introduction of terms like “casual dating” “open relationships” or “kicking it”. We look for surface deep gratification, don’t dig far enough within ourselves to figure out that that person is not gonna be our satisfaction. We live through our hopeless notions and ideas during the honeymoon phase, then when reality hits, we inevitably end up with our heads and hearts all over the hard surface.
I do not claim to be an expert on anything, especially matters of the heart. But if my words are my strength, allow me to empower you by saying true love is not some kind of substance in the air. You can not catch it, and actually I don’t believe it can be “figured out”. True love exists within ourselves. It is easier to find the perfect partner for you if you can identify who yourself are. Stop blaming all your heartache on other people because the common factor in all your failed relationships is you. Love you so other people can see the real reason why loving you is worth it. I leave you with a quote from an anonymous source, “Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart into it, take yourself out of it.”
~LOVE.LIVE.LEARN~

My dear Love,
I know you love me, but why do you not like me? All my life you have been there, not necessarily with me at all times, but always somewhere humming and buzzing, so even though I may not have seen you, I knew you were there. As a child you cared for me, nurtured me and protected me from all the evils you could. But I do not blame you for the evils that seeped into my life.The evil took charge, you disappeared. I grasped for your love, and yet I was left alone….cold. The evils that haunt me stil caused me such pain and distress…. But my dear love, I do not blame you. I would have left me too.
My dear love, as I grew older you came to me in many forms. You loved me so! You helped me grow. Countless times I did not love you back, the times I took you for granted. Is that when you decided I wasn’t worthy of your trust. I know I hurt you but I wish I knew then what I know now. All I needed was your strong embrace around me at night. To protect me and guide me through all the things I was not prepared to face. I needed you and you were there, but I let you go. I reached out to you and you would reach out to me…. Until one day you did not reach back. My hand was left out in the cold, did you not love me back?
My dear love, how then can you blame me for not recognizing you when you came back to me. With no warning, you simply appeared. My knight on a silver cloud, my warmth on a cold dreary winter morning. The manifestation I had dreamt long and hard about, the ideology that one day I had hoped to meet. My whole life I had yearned for you. I had needed you so much before you would think I would have instantly acknowledged your presence, your genuineness, and your desire to be the one. But, your love overwhelmed me. Your sincerity consumed me. Why did you love Me? Why was it so easy for you to let me in, and why did you take the time to care for me. I was terrified but I embraced you. I loved you with everything I had in me. I let you in in channels of my mind, my soul, I thought were locked and sealed….. My dear love. I loved you.
But like when I was little, the outside percolated into our circle of trust. I thought you loved me enough to stick around… But you bolted. Again… my dear love you left me. Again I was left out in the cold. Again I was left wondering, why my dear love do you not like me? indeed ... Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.Each time you left me, a piece of me left with you. Each time you let me down, I lost a bit of me. But my dear love, I cannot wait around for you any longer. I cannot force you to love me when you clearly don’t like me in return. As a child you abandoned me, and now as a grown up you had me fooled and left me bleeding. I cannot let you slow me down anymore. My life is my very own rose garden, in the past I have let you in just as I began to blossom and because I was not strong enough I let you stifle my growth. I have learnt my lesson, and now I will not let you tear my petals off. Don’t look for me my dear love, I will call you when my rose garden is fully blossomed.

Why?

So unafraid to speak and yet so terrified to listen. The absence of my silence means I have an escape from the pressure of having to hear… and not be heard. Because with hearing comes acknowledgement and isn’t that the ammunition that later fuels the fire of disappointment. If only I was the solitary being that had the ability to speak in this whole entire universe, then only I could be heard, and I would be the reason for my own heartache. I would rather fall victim to my own voice, then only I would be to blame. However, since life has not dealt me such a lucky hand, I find myself in the midst of thousands of webs of deceit that have been woven around me. Wound so ardently that all the violence, starvation, pain and sorrow stems from one of these unruly webs. I refuse to be a victim of circumstance. I cannot let the world dispense the dark cards of an ugly fate that so many have fallen prey to. I am learning to show humanity that I do not fear man, but God. I am my own individual, I am my only I that knows how to live MY life. With the world having no control over me, I have no expectations, no let downs and most importantly no grievances.
Why do I write you may be wondering? What is my purpose?
What frustrates me is not the inability to distance my own self from the rest of the world, but rather the fact that I am secure within myself and yet, no difference in the world have I been able to make. Why can I not wave a magic wand and heal those weakened by diseases, dry the eyes of a hungry orphan that has been left alone due to parents inability to protect themselves from HIV/AIDS. I have all of me still with me, no ailments and definitely no hunger. Why then can I not be an ear to a desperate voice, a cushion to a falling soul and an answer to questions that invade all mankind.

Hear me...

I caught myself wondering on what the definition of strength is. I searched for one that would suffice, and found myself at a loss. Strength can not be defined by how physical you can get, nor can it be measured by the amount of pain you can inflict on others.... Strength is, I believe, the ability to face adversity with an open mind, to acknowledge the fear and still figure out how to beat the odds. Everyday thousands and thousands of people find themselves waking up in the same hell that they fell asleep in and hoped to escape. Countless of women do not have the strength to stand up to the abuser and say ENOUGH! Millions of children go to bed hungry without bein given an explanation on why they have not eaten in days. Men go to sleep crying with the fear that the life they have chosen is going to be the death of them.


My eyes are slowly opening... and pain blinds me already. Like a newborn baby who just opened their eyes and for the first time SEE'S the world that till now has only been heard. I open my eyes and I become aware of the pain that has been surrounding. 65% of children in Africa have been orphaned and are now children of the system. 55% of women in relationships are being accused either sexually, mentally or physically, And only 45% of black men graduate and earn a degree at a tertiary level.


What happened to us being the generation of CHANGE. Will our children be born into a world that we ourselves have managed to taint with, sex violence and no kind of true achievement. The older generations are proud to tell their grandchildren that they survived the civil rights movement, apartheid and world wars. What can my generation be proud of, killing real music and discovering autotunes??? Well I REFUSE to lay down and become another puppet in this degrading world. I want to see the light again, I want to lend a hand to a struggling child, I want to empower a woman who needs to find the STRENGTH within herself to pack up her bag and leave her abusive husband. I don't want to die and jus become another tombstone in the graveyard. I want to make a difference, I need to be heard. I want to make a difference:-)